Lauren of Astoria

My friend Lauren wrote an open letter to the MTA that I wish I had written.  Or at least signed.  But alas, I'm not nearly the writer she is.  Plus, we're all in this together, right?  This sweaty, smelly, humid subway car of life...

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Dear MTA,

I am writing to tell you that you are in critical need of an ass kicking.

It has consistently been taking me about 30 minutes longer to get anywhere than it should. This is likely attributed to your colossal service cuts that eliminated scores of trains and the employees who operate them. This coincided with yet another rate hike. You charge me more, MTA, and you deliver me less.

You must not have been paying attention in Basic Business 101. You were flirting with the class burnout, weren’t you, MTA? Twirling your hair when you should’ve taken notes? You skipped school and raced out to the bleachers, just to find him with his hand up someone else’s shirt. It’s ok, MTA. It’s happened to us all.

But let me explain how it’s supposed to work. You promise to provide BETTER service and customers are incentivized to agree to a price increase. You get more money and give more service. Are we clear?

In the interest of better service, I’d like to make some suggestions.

 

I recommend that rather than scaling back on the people who drive the trains, perhaps you could curtail the people who ride them. For example, consider having a “bouncer” at each station, prohibiting the following groups from entering:

• Old businessmen who tell me to smile
• People over 6 feet tall
• Tourists
• Mariachi bands
• Children
• Passengers wearing any of the following:
• Bedazzled shirts 
• Backpacks
• Cubic zirconia earrings 
• Sunglasses 
• SARS masks 
• Clothes from the previous day 

This should prove to be a much more pleasant experience for Me, and surely some others. In fact, don’t limit yourself! You needn’t stop at people. There’s so much more to get rid of! A few candidates could be stairs, boomboxes blasting Sugarhill Gang, and instances in which I witness another human defecating inside a train car.

 

I hope you’ve found this useful, MTA. I’d tell you in person but it’d take me too long to get to your headquarters, 10 blocks away.

 

Sincerely,

The WB