Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Children of all ages! This is the fight you've ALL been waiting for! Welcome to the BOUT OF THE CENTURY!
Our first contender, weighing in at 130 lbs without his skinny jeans and beard, bicycle advocate and sponsored by Gothamist, GRANOLA McHIPSTERSEN!!
And his opponent, weighing in at 165 lbs, and that's just his head, economist and Jaguar driver, sponsored by The New Yorker, JOHN CASSIDY!!
**DING! DING! DING!**
Holy cow, Ladies and Gentlemen! Cassidy has wasted NO time getting in a quick right hand jab to the face of McHipstersen. He seems to be saying something about bike lanes as he continues to circle and dodge. Cassidy is REALLY pumped for this fight! He's trash-talking McHipstersen so loudly, I wonder if we can't turn up the ring-mic to have a listen to what he's saying as he intimidates his opponent:
"...a constituency that pursues its agenda with about as much modesty and humor as the Jacobins pursued theirs, and which has found its heroine in transportation commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan, I say hats off to Iris Weinshall, the former transportation commissioner, who, together with some like-minded citizens, has filed a lawsuit..."Folks, this is an epic battle between two supremely good competitors. Cassidy looks like he might get in another couple of punches just before the bell-- And there they are! A quick one two in the final seconds of this round have left McHipstersen reeling in a daze as they retire to their respective corners!
**DING! DING! DING!**
Ladies and Gentlemen, we sure hope McHipstersen received some good guidance during that round break, because he really looked weakened out there in Round 1. Our fighters are meeting in the center of the ring, sizing each other up for what is sure to be a penalizing Round 2. McHipstersen is riled up, Folks! He's shouting in the face of Cassidy! Let's see if we can't get a listen:
"...let's take his allegation of humorlessness at face value and point out that if cyclists are sometimes overly serious, it's because the consequences of bicycling in NYC can be so deadly. You may be yucking it up in his bloody Jaguar listening to Larry the Cable Guy..."Wow! You just don't hear that kind of talk during such a high-profile fight! To think these two used to co-exist on the same planet! Now look at them! McHipstersen is really going at Cassidy with a series of rights and lefts to the ribcage.
From the sound of this crowd, McHipstersen has a lot of fans here in New York he does NOT want to let down! Many of these people are holding up signs, proving their solid allegiance to McHipstersen. We'll see if we can't get some closeups of some of these comments written by McHipstersen fans during the round break.
**DING! DING! DING!**
(End of Round 2)
Folks, we have just a minute here to show those of you in our television audience what some of McHipstersen's loyal fanbase has been saying:
"People in New York City don't need cars, jack ass."**DING! DING! DING!**
"I prefer 'Jagoff' Cassidy."
"The average American car size is directly related to average American ass width."
Folks, thanks for joining us for this historic, winner-take-all matchup between two of the country's loudest voices. Round 3 has begun, and we're sure it's going to be a doozy!
Cassidy and McHipstersen have advanced to the center of the ring, and both combatants look angry enough to eat their opponent for breakfast! This fight has become about so much more than just bikes vs. cars, my friends! It's about young vs. old, upstarts vs. the Establishment, e-media vs. print! As both men stare each other down and continue to try to psych each other out with their comments, it looks like this may come to a head very, very soon!
Wait a minute! What's that? Folks, someone, perhaps a fan, has just gotten past ringside security and has jumped INTO the ring! It looks like-- Is that-- Yes, folks, it appears he is carrying a baseball bat! This crazed fan appears to be wearing a t-shirt that says, "Walk/Don't Walk" on one the front, and an NYC subway map on the back. Wow! This "Walker" has just pummeled John Cassidy into a fetal position with his bat! He appears to be screaming about the Manhattan Elite and how Cassidy shouldn't be referring to cars as "contraptions" because this is no longer the 19th century.
Where is security? Why haven't they put an end to this bloodbath? Cassidy is lying motionless on the mat, Ladies and Gents, and "The Walker" seems to have turned his attention to Granola McHipstersen. McHipstersen looks up from rolling his own cigarette just in time to take a bat to the jaw! He's out cold!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know when such a respectable sport such as boxing became so debased as to allow armed pedestrians into the ring in the middle of a fight, but this is insane! Why is no one stopping him? The crowd is stunned, Folks. All action has come to a complete stop as- wait- could it be? Yes! Folks, the referee has started counting! He's counting down on both Cassidy AND McHipstersen! The crowd has started counting along with him!
...FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE! TEN!!!
**DING! DING! DING!**
Folks, the fight is over! What started as an epic battle of bikes vs. cars has become reminiscent of a professional wrestling match! The crowd is going wild! The sheer decibel level here in the arena is really difficult to describe. They have all started chanting in unison, "Wal-Ker! Wal-Ker! Wal-Ker!"
Folks, the ref has raised both hands of "The Walker" in triumph! He is strutting around the ring, sometimes even stepping ON Cassidy and McHipstersen. The referee seems to have taken OFF his striped shirt and put on an MTA jacket! In response, the crowd seems to be celebrating WITH the ref, chanting, "Sub-way! Sub-Way! Sub-Way!"
I don't think I've ever seen anything like this. It appears as though "The Walker" has something to say to his two impromptu opponents. Folks, he's reaching for the announcer's mic! Let's hear what he has to say:
"You're both assholes. Cassidy, you schmuck, use your turning signals and turn on your lights in the rain. McHipstersen, you want bikers to have the same rights as cars? Start obeying their rules; stop at red lights and stop signs, stay off the sidewalks, and signal when you're about to turn. You guys make me sick. What exactly were you fighting for tonight? Huh? Who's the biggest douche? Well I have an answer: it's a tie. And I own you both. Dipshits."