Bitter Friends

Well, it's been almost a month since the epic CYOA post, and the ideas for new things to bitch about ("about which to bitch"?  I know I shouldn't end a sentence with "about", but I'm not exactly comfortable rhyming, either...) are beginning to come back to me.

Last night, I was standing on the sidewalk with two friends, Clutch and Michelle, and they were mentioning funny subway experiences they've had.  Michelle, at one point, used the phrase, "I love crotch-watching on the subway", which is an amazing sentence and a large part of how I knew I'd be posting something today.  The sentence itself stemmed from a story I have since asked her to email me for two reasons; 1. She could tell it better than I ever could, and 2. I feel a little dirty thinking about it.  I promise to post it as soon as she passes it my way.

Before they knew about this blog in the first place, Clutch goes, "You know what?  Someone should write down all the rules of commuting and post them somewhere.  Because, in New York, let me tell you, you can talk slow and you can read slow, but you are NOT allowed to-".

This is where I cut him off, mostly for dramatic effect:  "Walk slow?" I offered.

"Yes!" he replied.

So, like a magician pulling away the curtain during the big reveal, I said to Clutch, "Dude - the name of my blog is 'I Walk Faster Than You'!"  At which point we proceeded to high-five in an effort to appear more Caucasian than we already did.  I'd imagine it worked.

So, at some point soon, I will be posting Rule #6, for which Clutch gave me the idea by going off on a rampage about tourists.  Michelle, for her part, studied her toes until it was time for her to share her crotch-watching story.  She did, however, provide me with an excellent site: "People of Public Transit", which I have linked to on this blog's sidebar.  It is worth checking out for significant amounts of LOLs.

Michelle also sent me this via Facebook:




As you can see from my last post, a blogger on The Huffington Post named Paul LaRosa wrote an article about subway etiquette in NYC that addresses many of the topics on IWFTY.  He even answered my comment telling him I promised to always raise my umbrella over his head as I walk past him should we ever encounter each other on a rainy day.  It's the least I can do for such a kindred spirit... even one from Brooklyn.

Lastly, it should be noted that I did write a post regarding the death of Osama bin Laden, I just didn't publish it.  It had a bitchin' picture of Captain America standing in front of the twin towers that Google Image Search was kind enough to provide for me, and it had fireworks and noisemakers and a waterslide and a pizza party and strippers and cake.  Fiancé listened to this epic description and advised against me publishing it on the grounds that this blog is known (ha!) for being snarky and sarcastic - why would I get all celebratory and patriotic now?  It's is a valid point, so I decided to curb the post and keep it to myself.  Personally, I think she just didn't want to share any of the fireworks/noisemakers/pizza/cake/strippers with any of you. 

For the record, the last sentence of the bin Laden post was something about his last commute involving being thrown from a helicopter into the ocean.

Staten Island Allie



The Staten Island Ferry - It's free and everyone gets a ride!
















The following email was written to me by one of this blog's readers, and I had to share.  Thanks for reading, Allie!

(As for me, I've only been on the Staten Island Ferry once.  I was alone, and it was coming back from a birthday party that was held as far away from the homes of the majority of the guests as possible.  My hunch is it was the hostess' way of trying to trap me there and make it my home borough.  I managed to escape via a tiny little train that was a lot like the NYC subway (without being physically connected to NYC, apparently Staten Island is technically part of NYC).  Said train took me to said ferry.  Said ferry took me past Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty to Battery Park.  From there I took the subway back to the most normal place I'd been all day: Queens.  God, help me.)

Enjoy!

***

From:  Allie J.
To:  Jordan Knol
Date:  Tue, Apr 5, 2011 at 3:59 PM
Subject:  Saturday

I was on my way home from the bar on Saturday night.  I caught the 4:30am ferry to Staten Island (which was packed of course - children, weirdos, loud, drunk Staten Island Guidos/Guidettes). 

As I was walking to a seat with my group of friends, I noticed an old friend/coworker from a few years ago.  She wasn't alone though, she was sitting next to this guy - very cozy with him, maybe even holding hands (I wasn't 100% on this at the time because it was 4:30am after a night at the bar...) - who I quickly realized was someone other than her husband (at the time I forgot she was married and just thought to myself 'oh her and her boyfriend must have broken up'). 

So I proceed to say hello and act all happy to see her and we start catching up and she introduces the guy next to her as her friend (no big deal)... After about 4 minutes, you can cut the tension with a butter knife.  I, however, lacked the ability to stop talking since I was slightly intoxicated and continued to talk to her the entire 25 minute ferry ride from NYC to Staten Island - Awkward Turtle. 

The ferry docks and we say our goodbyes and when we get out of earshot, I tell my boyfriend what just happened and how awkward this whole situation was. I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt - maybe it wasn't as bad as it seemed and she just felt like it could look bad if taken out of context.  Ten minutes later I completely forget about this whole ordeal anyway. 

Well, at about 4:00pm the next day, my memory is refreshed with a Facebook message from her saying that it was an old friend from way back when, and her husband didn't know she was out with him... oh, and:

"Don't say anything to anyone, please."

Dear AM New York,













From: Jordan Knol
To: AM New York
Date: Fri, Jul 9, 2010 at 9:50 AM
Subject: We need some time apart.

Dear AM New York,

It's funny - as I type this, and can almost hear Homer Simpson's voice reading it out loud as he complains about some inane thing ("Dear Die Hard...").  Perhaps that should be my cue to stop writing.  I should.  I should stop writing this and go outside and enjoy my day, recognizing the things in my life I can't control.

However, I feel like our relationship has faltered of late, AMNY, and, as communication and honesty are the cornerstones of any good relationship, I think we need to have a talk.

When we first met, I had moved from Washington DC where I was seeing the daily circular there called "The Express".  We had experienced a passionate relationship and I looked forward to our daily visits.  At first, upon arriving to the Big Apple, you were an adequate replacement.  You had a similar sense of humor, and offered a more "Human" touch than your buddy, NY Metro (who, understandably, I think we both sort of view as your slutty cousin).  We had many fine mornings, you and I... you would make me laugh, inform me about important news, and offer me puzzles to get my mind off my commute or whatever was happening to me that day.  Let's face it:  New York is not always an easy city in which to live... you offered me some respite, and for that, I say thank you.

But you've changed.  Slowly, over time, your puzzles and news got dumbed down, as if created for someone else.  The photo captions and entertainment sections have become mean-spirited and snarky, as if written by a half dozen Brooklyn hipsters, each smoking hand-rolled cigarettes and wearing skinnier jeans than the one next to him.  The new weather captions, while at times funny, are also critical and mean, and make you look like you're trying a little too hard to be "cool", like my parents.  You've begun to sport a "new look" which, as far as I can tell, was meant only to get people to pay more to advertise in you.  Now when I spread you open it's no longer the lovely individual attention I used to feel.... it's this numb, stupid version of you.  You've become like the worst kind of sorority girl, the kind who doesn't need to say much but dresses in bright colors and stays stupid and sometimes mean and still gets whatever she wants.  She is also never wrong, which is a big part of the problem we're having lately.

I understand your most recent makeover, I think.  Everyone should do something nice for themselves.  But you took away KenKen, something I thought we enjoyed doing together.  When I complained, you mentioned the few other people that did and offered me a tiny version of our puzzle, far away from it's old home, accompanied by the comment, "Next time ask for something bigger".  Well, okay, I'm asking for something bigger.  I'm asking for it the way it was (literally "bigger").

Another example of how you've changed lately:  You repeat yourself!  I don't mind when it's an on-going news item that bears repeating, or some background to put whatever today's events were in context, but this is just boastful.  Let me ask you: is Judah Friedlander a reader of AMNY?  I bet he is - you've reminded me of that a half dozen times in the last month.  I'm happy that a C-List celebrity likes you, but please stop bringing it up just to puff yourself up and feel more important.  Many celebrities share a lovely relationship with you, I'm sure.  But you used to be demure about it, as opposed to thinking it made you look more "cool" by dropping a name.  (Side note:  Really?  Judah Friedlander?  Guys - he's ok, not great.  Because you're on the fringe of what's considered "hip", you should know this by now.)

Lastly, we need to talk about your website.  You need to start representing yourself more professionally.  The way it is now, you look like a blog.  While I'm sure this cuts down on Web costs, it also makes you appear low-rent, and it's tough to get through to you.  This only hinders our communication as opposed to enhancing it, and I'm sure many of your other companions feel the same way.

Look, Sweetheart, I know you see other people.  Lots of other people.  But you used to have this unique way of making it SOUND like sometimes it was only me and you.  Lately, you've been sterile, inaffectionate, and, at times, dimwitted.  Do I think this conversation will change you?  I do not.  I know from experience I cannot change others, and I won't try.  All I can do is express to you my disappointment, and let you know that if I occasionally visit your "cousin", Metro, from here on in, it isn't because I don't love you.  It's simply because sometimes I need to take a step back and observe who you've become from afar for awhile.  It pains me to say this, but you are no longer impressive.

I hope you understand.  I hope this message has been able to sink in on some level.  I know that one day you will evolve into something great, and everyone experiences "growing pains".  I can only pray that this is a phase you're going through, and one day you'll be able to look back at yourself and go, "Hey - I so young and stupid then... I've come a long way."

Until then, I'm going to start keeping my distance probably won't visit you as often.  Again, I hope you understand.  I can only change MY behaviours, and that's what I have to do.

Love always,
Jordan